OH, THE HILARITY

I found this book in a store near the downtown area. If you can't quite make it out, the title is "Basic English for Everyone," and the cover features a super-relevant picture of a scantily clad model. I suppose bookselling has hit a new low.

DAM. LEGENDS.

Because Mexico has never educated its people about environmental protection, piles of garbage can often be found in cities, towns, and—quite sadly— forests. The most common method of getting rid of garbage is to throw it over the edge of a cliff, and that tends to affect the water supply in the following way: Dams are constructed in valleys to trap water running down the aforementioned cliffs, and it is this water that eventually comes out of the taps in your house. So if you throw trash over a cliff, it pollutes everyone else's water. Like so:

(Translation of above sign: “CAUTION: Throwing trash in this place contaminates the water that we use in our houses. Use the trash receptacles. Avoid being sanctioned.” Below is a dam, and the water it collects.)

After that cheery note, here are more pictures of the city. Please note that everything that looks like a private walkway really functions as a public street. The last picture—the one of the crazy-ass house, known as "The House of the Witches"—is my school. Be sure to read the legend of the building, which I’ll include below.

So the above is where I live and go to school (for now—but more on that later). The house was owned around 1903 by this German guy who turned out to be crazy. When he was sent to an asylum, his two sisters and lovely teenage daughter were left to live there alone. The daughter liked to go around town and be social, and her aunts didn’t like that—so they locked her in the basement. The aunts happened to be crazy too, and forgot to, you know, give her food and water. So she died. Eventually her body was discovered and the aunts were sent away. The house remained unoccupied for a long time until a businessman bought it and moved there with his eight children—all boys. Once the older boys were fighting, and one pulled out a pistol and shot two of his brothers, killing them both.

In case you weren't keeping track, that ups the death toll to three.

The locals say that when there is a quarter moon you can see a pretty young girl sitting in the upstairs window, beckoning to men to come inside. Apparently if you do, you’ll have some wine and such and then wake up trapped in a coffin, where you’ll eventually die.

Again, this is where I live. This is where I come back to every night after dark. I am the only person staying here right now.

And shit—what the hell was that noise?

Dear Everyone,

I’ve arrived in Mexico. I’m 0wnz0ring Spanish-language communication. And I still getting used to the roosters. But we’ll talk about that later.

The Academia Falcon is quite the place: It’s located in a giant old mansion called “La Casa de las Brujas,” which means “House of the Witches.” I’ve asked different people why that is, and most of them say, “Um…I’m not sure,” and change the subject.

Good times.

As many of you are likely wondering, I’ll tell you this up front: I haven’t gotten sick from the food here at all. The food is excellent by the way, and extremely cheap. You can eat a full restaurant meal—appetizers, entrée, dessert, coffee, etc.—for less than five dollars. There are street vendors everywhere, selling everything from tamales to tortas, which are essentially sandwiches made from hollowed-out rolls and filled with beans, cheese, meat, vegetables, or whatever you want.

Guanajuato is the friendliest, most awesome city I’ve ever lived in. I’ve made more friends in the last two days than I made in Concord in the last two years. There is more to do here than you can believe. I’ve already seen parades, dances, festivals, concerts, etc., and I arrived on Saturday. I’ll describe all these more fully in future entries.

On the other side of things, Mexico is quite a change from what I’m used to. Here’s some math that I worked out when I drove to a mountain and hiked part of it with some other students:

1. guardrails along treacherous, Wile. E. Coyote-style roads = rare

2. crosses along roads that wind along cliffs = many

3. asking “Where is the seatbelt?” = laughter from everyone else in the car

4. saying “I need this in a hurry” = pointless

The way of life here is slower and more patient than back home, and I'm told that's because everyone is of the opinion that life is to be enjoyed, so why rush? I’m getting used to it, but I need to stop being on time for everything.

5. 15 minutes late = on time

Just seeing the streets of Guanajuato is something extraordinary. Most streets are really alleys—callejones—that are made of brick or various other stones; some are entirely made of steps, or slabs of rock that are at a 60-degree angle. They wind and snake up and down, and will easily make you lose your breath. (Also helping the shortness-of-breath phenomenon is the fact that I’m 7,000 feet above sea level.) The architecture is more or less the same as it was 300 years ago, and great pains have been taken to preserve the antiquated atmosphere: for example, stores aren’t allowed to have illuminated signs.

And yet a Domino’s Pizza still managed to sneak into town. Bastards.

I should run for now. In my next entry I’ll write to you about the roosters, along with some things that are actually a) funny or b) exciting. Like the local rationale behind drunk driving, or why the drinking water is so polluted.

Ding.

MY LAST PRE-MEXICO BLOG ENTRY (Or, Juxtapose this)

I leave for Mexico in…11 hours, 51 minutes.

Plans for the plane:

1. Even though they’ve probably heard it a million times, I’m definitely going to ask the flight attendant if there are any motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane.
2. Since that probably won’t get a laugh, I’m going to place a baggy of carpet fresh inside someone else’s carry-on and then rat them out as a coke fiend. Let the hilarity ensue.

In other news, it turns out that I am a rock star. My band—The Mahoneys—recently played at the St. Paul’s School Advanced Studies Program. Here are some pictures; I look spaced-out in the one where the crowd seems really into it, but that’s because crowds—much like fine wine—make me feel frightened and confused and sleepy.

And finally, this:

My friend Jason drove through Iowa recently. He has a desire to see all 50 state capitols, and so he made an effort to stop and see Iowa’s. There is a statue near the capitol that has this engraved in stone above it: “Iowa—her affections, like the rivers of her borders, flow to an inseparable union.”

Now what statue best embodies that sentiment? According to the people of Iowa, the one pictured below:

This odd juxtaposition reminds me of the time I drove through Kentucky. Now, this is a state with churches every five feet, billboard-sized crosses on the highway, and moving trucks with biblical references painted on their sides. So you can guess how surprised I was when I passed Big Bone Lick State Park.

Shortly thereafter I passed this store:

Apparently Kentucky dictionaries don’t list the word “innuendo.” But really, what can you expect from a state whose abbreviation is “KY”?

BOOK LEARNIN'

On July 29 my dad, Young Gregory (pictured below, with Hitler) and I moved everything out of my apartment. Since then I have constructed a foxhole in a room in my parents’ house, where I intend to spend the next three weeks until I depart for Mexico. I’ve spent the last several days happily gorging myself on books under the watchful eye of my sleepy, fat little companion, Cody the cat.

As such, few things have happened to me of note, and I write now in order to share with you some humorous or otherwise impressive things I have recently read. Please read all the way to the end; it’s worth it, if for no other reason than you will learn about medieval beliefs about having sex on an alter.

Do I have your attention now?

First, information gleaned from an article about Wikipedia in the July 31 issue of the New Yorker:

1. The coolest phobia I don’t (yet) have: Capgras delusion, which is “the unnerving sensation that an imposter is sitting in for a close relative.” (This one feels appropriate for inclusion in The Great Concord Caper. See entry of July 12. )
2. The idea of a comprehensive encyclopedia was controversial for centuries, largely because logic and reasoning have a tendency to contradict religious beliefs. The writers of an 18^th century encyclopedia, funny guys that they were, included the following cross-reference at the end of the entry on cannibalism: “See Eucharist.”

Next, from a copy of Gustave Flaubert’s last book (posthumously published in 1881), which includes what he termed “The Dictionary of Accepted Ideas”—essentially a mock-guide to word usage, with instructions that will provide the wise reader with great social success. It is, I dare say, the Spinal Tap of dictionaries (See Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show). Samples follow:

BEAR—When using this word, “tell the story of the invalid who, seeing that a watch had fallen into the bear pit, went down and was eaten alive.”
ENJOY—“Obscene word.”
INVALID—Here is what you should do when talking to a person with a disability: “To raise his spirits, pooh-pooh his ailment and discount the story of his suffering.”
GRATITUDE—“Don’t mention it.”

POET—“Pompous synonym for fool, dreamer.”
POETRY—“Entirely useless; old hat.”
SCARF—“Poetic.”

BLONDES—“Hotter than brunettes. (See Brunettes)
BRUNETTES—“Hotter than blondes. (See Blondes)”
[BLACK WOMEN]—“Hotter than white women. (See Blondes and Brunettes)”
REDHEADS—“See Blondes, Brunettes, and [Black Women].”

Finally, and on a more serious note, allow me to share with you information found in a book that, along with the aforementioned Flaubert volume, I purchased for 20 cents. The book’s title? Sex in History: Society’s Changing Attitude to Sex Throughout the Ages (most of which can be read here: http://www.ourcivilisation.com/smartboard/shop/taylorgr/sxnhst/index.htm)

Even though it was published in 1954, this book is a gem. Its history of sexual behavior and coinciding religious beliefs is fascinating—especially the parts about medieval sexual/marital behavior, from which I will draw from now:

1. “In Saxon times, the father would sell his daughter, for at that time women were valued as a source of labour, and the father was felt to suffer a loss. But the Crusades, and other wars, had caused women greatly to exceed men in number, and now he only comes ‘to give her away.’ The priest…asks if the man will take the bride to be his wedded wife—the wed being the bride-price—and he promises.”
2. Referring to the 13^th century: “It was frequently declared that clerical sins should be overlooked unless they became a public scandal…”
3. Posing as a priest in order to hear confessions carried the following penalty: being burned alive.
4. When the plague was sweeping across Europe, people really wanted to have sex, but were also afraid of becoming sick (with the plague). It was held at the time that “to commit incest on the altar was the only certain prophylactic against infection.”

On that note, I’m headed back to the foxhole. Over and out.